It Isn’t All Buckets of Shit

I recently started a book club. Mainly because I wanted a non-threatening excuse to connect with like-minded, sailor-mouthed, honest, and real women. Most of whom, like me, are searching for a deeper truth or something that is more fucking stable than this uncertain world we live in.

Our first book was Michael Singers Untethered Soul. A simple, yet beautiful masterpiece of what life looks like on the other side, aka FREEDOM. I loved the book. In fact, the book was the inspiration for me to start the damn book club in the first place. I still love the book. I loved hearing a million+ times that, in order to gain freedom, I had to let go.

And at the end of the book, after our book discussions were done and we were voting on a new book, something struck me: holy shit, there’s a missing piece. There’s a tiny bit of sadness in letting it all go. And what is that sadness? It certainly isn’t about all the newly found, or potential freedom. It isn’t sadness for growth or expanded consciousness. So why in the world, would anyone, moving on from anything traumatic/stressful/detrimental in their life, to make room for more amazing things, feel a slight trace of sadness still sitting there?

I ordered my next book club book, and in the 2-days it will take Amazon to get that bad boy to me, I am reading another book. Because I can I guess. So this morning I am kind of meandering through Gabrielle Bernstein’s The Universe Has Your Back, and it finally hit me.

That trace of sadness. I knew what it was. 

Sometimes, in life, (most times) it just takes the right combination of words to be able to really grasp something, or accept it, or even to move on. And in the case of moving on, or letting go, the combination of words your soul so desperately has to hear is simple yet profound: I forgive myself for ________________.

It could be one thing, or it could be a million, and that part doesn’t really matter does it? So long as you are “letting go” but still holding yourself accountable in some way for what has happened, you aren’t actually letting go. And there is the trace of sadness, sitting, Because somewhere you are mourning whatever brought you here and identifying the pieces you owned. And you are telling yourself that you will let it go, but your soul knows you in and out.

“When you forgive, you heal. When you let go, you grow.”

It’s a tricky landscape really. It isn’t like this development all has to take place in certain steps that take place in a specific order, HOWEVER, each step is revealing in some way that the others aren’t. If that weren’t true, enlightenment would occur in a day and we would all be gurus, in our crisp white robes, nearly floating from the blissful ecstasy.

We aren’t because life happens in layers, and our development happens in layers, and the more we expand, the more we can go deeper into those layers. Because the ultimate goal, the reason we forgive, and let go, and expand, is to exist in a state where we are always connected to that higher self, the one that lets us feel a trace of sadness, so we know our work isn’t done. Or the one that replenishes our energy, day in and day out, even on the days we don’t do our part in refilling or self-care.

The entire goal is live in a way that is always connected to that infinite source of knowledge and love. So maybe we don’t get to be gurus today, but we get to be light and love tomorrow so it isn’t all buckets of shit.